Monday, 5 January 2009

I'm exhausted..extremely tired. Okay, so I've been trying to juggle work, studies and VSC training at the same time, it's weighing down on me. I find myself losing motivation to work and to study. Correct that, I simply refused to do my homework, for lack of discipline or that I'm so tired when I reach home, that I just want to rest and relax, engage in some leisure activities. I'm doing fine at work, diligent and prompt..BUT. I find it meaningless. I don't like having to 'cheat' others, typing appealing letters, and doing things that I feel is against my principles. It may be a trivial thing to others, but to me, I feel uncomfortable about it. I know the boss is nice, treats me well and allows me to go off early for trainings without asking for anything in return. I get to see cute riders when they come to register, but that's not a good enough incentive for me.

I miss school, like proper lessons, writing and reading, hanging out with friends and even worrying about school-related stuff. Not that I'm not worried about my current school assignments and all, but it's different. There's no classmates to hang out with, everyone just sits in for a 3-hour long lecture and then, go our separate ways after that. I'm starting to wonder if I made the right choice in enrolling for this degree. Sure, it's interesting, it will look good when I apply for a job next time. Even so, I miss doing proper work, not just multiple choices, fill in the blanks and truth or false, to the extent that I have no idea how to write an essay when I'm required to. Should I try to enrol myself for a course again in NTU/NUS this year?

I need time to think, I need answers. I don't know if it's cos it's almost the time of the month when I get emotional or it's really an issue for me. I know though, it's definitely not nice to be thinking about it each month, trying to convince myself that I'm just PMS-ing, that I should just tolerate this for 3 years, and move on in life. I miss doing community work, doing something more meaningful to benefit the society. If I quit my job, then what about the money? My parents will have to worry about my school fees each month..

I know what I have now is what God has provided for, I remembered praying so hard that I will get to keep my job when my VSC letter came and how despite only seeing my school's advertisement once in the newspaper, I felt strongly about it and went to register. Then why, am I feeling this way? Is it just me? Or that plans has changed? I'm not doubting, I'm just confused..However, I am very sure that I love VSC training, that it's what I want to do, and I'm doing well at it. Thank God for that. Whether or not I can cope with it when I pass out, I'm not sure but I know He will be with me, and I can take it in my stride..

fast and and and pray...

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