Last night, I dreamt of my kids from the childcare. We were at a chalet and I wanted to take photos with all of them. In it, I was carrying Zi Ying, one of the younger girls, when she spoke in clear sentences to me. She said, ' You lied to me, you didn't come the next day.' She can't speak properly now, for your info. At that moment, tears welled up in my eyes and I felt such pain and guilt within me, that I couldn't answer her, except to hug her. I think it's beginning to sink in, that I've left the place, and I'm starting to miss them greatly. All their faces, their voices, their every gestures are so vivid in my mind. Thinking back, how when I first joined as a teacher, Zi Ying was just trying to adjust to her new environment, crying every morning, to how she's now, turning back to smile at me each time I enter the place. How Jayden mispronounces my name and how he's so adorable with all his antics, to how he's experiencing mood swings, crying these few mornings and telling me that he wants to go home, he wants daddy. How Ashford would always ask me lots of questions and I would correct his english, how his feet would kick against mine during storytelling. I could go on forever...I really miss them a lot...

I really thank God for this wonderful experience and I'm thankful that I may be able to return to help the kids with their concert preparation. I hope that my days there had been meaningful, that I had helped to nurture God's children, to be great individuals in future, a wonderful next generation....

It's painful to leave, but I rejoice in the fact that I may have somehow made a difference in their lives. :)

The devil in me was so strong...I never thought that I had that strong an impulse in me that I really felt like walking out of the door just now with my bag. To think I actually packed my bag, ready to grab and go anytime. I smsed a friend, only to discover that he's off duty. I think God made it that way, because deep down inside me, I know that if he's on duty, I would have just walked out of the house and stay out for the night. Thank God I stayed and controlled my emotions, and thrashed it out. It always ends in the same way, though not entirely resolved but the tension is no longer present. I guess this is how it should be, quarrelling and then making up, the love for each other remains if not stronger each time...

I'm watching the recorded version of 'Singapore Idol'. This season's contestants are so young this time and I must admit, the females are much more outstanding as compared to previous seasons. This episode is so emotional to watch, got me teary-eyed at so many points. Charlene and how she's so in this for her mum, Kelly Mae on how she came all the way back to Singapore without her husband just for this, and how Gabriel was comforted by his brother when he was eliminated - the strong bond shared between the brothers, how they cried along with each other. All these, really reminds me of how important family and friends are, not only there to laugh along with you, but also, to cry along with you, to lend you a shoulder to cry on. I sound so emo now..:P

I can't wait for HIM to appear before me, I'm gonna wait faithfully though, God has His own plans and His own perfect time. :)

I'm kinda feeling numb now, a little drained out. I'm going through the phase of ' I just want to study full-time' and quit working. Plus, I have been experiencing some unhappiness at work. Unquestionable, I love the kids and I do wanna see them grow, from a level to another level. Just that, I'm rather upset with how the supervisor corrects me in from of my own students during lesson time, in a chiding manner. I wish she would speak to me with respect, like I'm an adult instead of that tone she used, when she's scolding the kids. I keep thinking if I am 10 years older than now, she would probably not speak to me in that manner. People are telling me to talk to her about it, and I'm trying to find courage to do so, because, I've never been the confrontational kind of person. I rather let it go or keep everything inside of me. I hope things will get better. My parents discussed and they are giving me an option of quitting to concentrate on my studies, my dad's unhappy with how the supervisor's treating me as well. Don't get me wrong, she's not a witch. I just think maybe she's so used to speaking to kids in a certain manner that she used it on me too. Seriously, I teared on Friday cos' I was so upset that she corrected me 3 times in 2 periods, right in front of my kids, with that kinda tone.

I'm trying to sort out my feelings, whether I wanna quit soon or hang in there, whether I am able to live with no allowance and having to let my parents pay for my education. I need time to think....

On another note, I've decided to take a leap of faith and save up for the 'Shalom Israel Study Tour' that the church's organising. I realised that I've always pushed away thoughts of going to such trips because I assumed that my parents wouldn't agree and I will not have enough money to go. I should not be thinking of that, I should just trust in God to provide instead of relying on my own strengths and means. So this time, I just wanna trust in Him, that He will make it happen if it's meant to be. :)

I'm still waiting for my attachment! Please Lord, let it be approved really soon!

So, I've been very busy with work, volunteering and all that. I'm loving my job, learning a lot, like how to change a soiled diapers, washing the fans and all that stuff. I'm totally on my road to motherhood. Hahaha! Well, I think I'm already loving all my kids, I miss them when I don't go to work. Haha. Not all of them, I suppose, but I already have got favourites! :)

Anyway, just got back from BBQ with the set-up crew. I feel so blessed to be serving in the same ministry as them. It was a nice cosy dinner and I had a great time, getting to know more about each individual. It was good bonding time. You know, each time I feel like I can't carry on serving in the ministry, I will be reminded of all of them, how I've slowly opened up to them and hanging out together, even more so now. I know that I can't leave the ministry without feeling a loss. So yeah, I'm gonna keep doing this, for God's glory and for our friendship.;D

I also managed to catch up with MIN today! We went to catch 'Fighting' tonight and had a nice chat. There was a sense of warmth in that meeting, and I like how we can hang out together as friends, chatting freely, without worrying about anything. I feel really blessed to have him as a friend. Of course, it would have been better if Khalis can make it today. BUT, I'm not complaining!

A great day...great company, great movie (I MEAN CHANNING TATUM!), great food...Totally blessed! :D

It's my second day at work today! I'm enjoying what I do, for the kids are sooooo ADORABLE! They're so fun to be with and once a kid starts talking to me about his family, the others will start too. I will be hearing a lot of " Teacher Stephanie, you know my brother is from...." (another butts in), "Teacher Stephanie, my sister is also..." and more butts in with their own stories...so absolutely irresistable! Yesterday, I saw this little boy (he's one of my favourite!) trying to hold another girl's hand when they were sitting down for story-telling. The girl tried to resist but he kept trying to hold her hand. At that moment, I was like..awww..so sweeet ;) AND today, I saw this other boy opening his arms and moving forward, in an attempt to hug the boy from yesterday. Another awww..so sweeet moment. Gosh, I love these kids! :)

OH OH! I learnt how to bath them yesterday, alongside with checking their diapers. Today, I did a little changing of diapers, reading of storybooks and also, wiping their buttocks after they're done with their business. Hehe, I'm kinda worried that I didn't clean them well. Oops. Anyhow, I'm so looking-forward to see them tomorrow! :D

stephanie
God's child
11 May 1989
stephcph@hotmail.com

keep smiling :)


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